This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
