Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
