The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
