Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
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