oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
