Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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