Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
