Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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