so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
