She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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