so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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