I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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