I think im going to throw up on grandma
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
