Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
