Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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