he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
