in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
