Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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