saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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