Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
