I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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