i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
