Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
