i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You are a genius and a whore.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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