my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
