I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
