the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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