haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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