i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
