Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
NoShamevember. You game?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
