Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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