i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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