I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
