i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
