I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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