What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
