I'm gonna have a badass scar
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
