Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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