White coat. Heels.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
