70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
