I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
