I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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