I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
