I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
In America we eat man semen.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
