margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
