Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
