So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
