hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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