he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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