I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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