That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
