You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
