I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
