I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
