So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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