You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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